I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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