as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
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i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
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Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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