and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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