She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
