my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He shit in the fireplace
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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