listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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