Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
