that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can you bring me the toilet please
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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