if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
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I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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