She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dating After Heartbreak
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.