I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.