I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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