apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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