i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
