i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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