This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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