sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
