Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
