I haven't been this sober since birth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
