I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
