Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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