I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
