Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
