Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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