We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
