If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
