last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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