I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
