My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So here I am, sexting at work.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
