Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
