okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
