So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
