yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
