She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
