Just cropdusted the office
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
