Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I deserve this hangover.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
