Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
