so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
