I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
