he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
