You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
