You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
