A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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