i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
