just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
