i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
