the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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