his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
