U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
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He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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