So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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