Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
