That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
