cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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