I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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