Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Mom said you looked used
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
